Keep An Open Mind

At the phenomenal web site WikiHow, which contains instructions for doing just about anything you can imagine, there's a page entitled "How To Keep An Open Mind." Basically, to keep one's mind facile, we are told to keep doing things we've never done before: New crossword puzzles, new kinds of music, TV shows we think we wouldn't like (or, if we love TV, turn it off!). The premise is that doing or learning anything new causes new neural pathways to form in the brain, which in turn enable one's mind to open to further new possibilities.

But what if you already have an open mind? If there are no TV shows left to watch, no music you haven't heard, no ethnic restaurants left to eat at, what then? Well, here's my contribution: Ten things you almost certainly haven't done or thought of doing, that, in the doing, will help form new pathways in your brain.

1. Convince a stranger to help you rotate your tires. (10 points, -5 if the stranger is an auto mechanic; +20 if she is a woman over 60)

2. If you are heterosexual, have sex with a person of the same sex; if homosexual, with a person of the opposite sex. (50 points, -5 if with an auto mechanic; +20 if with a woman over 60)

3. Go quail hunting with Dick Cheney. (50 points, -30 if you wear body armor)

4. Join a fundamentalist Christian church and collect photographs of all the members. (5 points)

5. Convince a local brothel to let you sit in the lobby and match the clients to the photos of people in your church. (5 points, plus 2 for each match)

6. Blackmail the people who matched. (40 points each)

7. Attend a parade with a sign that says, "Bong Hits For Jesus!" (5 points, +10 if you are a high school student)

8. Leak the identity of a CIA agent to the press (30 points, only if you have never gone hunting with Dick Cheney)

9. Have a sex-change operation. (100 points)

10. Infiltrate a terrorist group and write an exposé of your experiences. (500 points)

Remember, as the saying goes: "Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open!"