By: Paul S. Cilwa Viewed: 12/11/2018
Posted: 4/1/2008
Topics/Keywords: #Humor #CurrentEvents Page Views: 2479
Can you guess which of these 'news' items never happened?

I decided I couldn't let April Fool's Day pass without posting a blog entry, no matter how busy I've been. So I decided to list a number of bizarre current events, making one up, and you can decide which paragraph in this post is the one that isn't true. No fair Googling before you guess. I'll post the answers, and links, tomorrow. (And my little joke endings to each item don't count.)

Mesa, AZ:

Think gas prices have gone through the roof? Think you'd do just about anything for a tankful? That's what 43-year-old Mesa woman Kelli Still thought when she offered one Michael Hamilton a blow job in exchange for a tank of gas. Ms. Still, not one of the most attractive people in Mesa, failed to convince Hamilton that this would be a bargain. So she followed him home, entered without permission, and when he went outside (that pesky B.O. problem?), she stole his wallet, car keys and cell phone. When he demanded them back, she stabbed him numerous times in the face and chest. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

India Blood Bank:

India has been in the news lately for selling human hair that Indian women "sacrifice" to local gods (unaware that the temple is making a fortune for the product, used in hair extensions that sell for hundreds of dollars each). Now another body part is at risk, as Indian authorities uncovered a "blood bank" that has been literally draining its depositors dry. Seventeen former migrant workers were discovered connected to the blood-sucking equipment and had hemoglobin levels so low they literally could not stand up. To add insult to injury, they were told they were being paid 300 rupees per exfusion but in fact were given only 50. Expect this feature to be adapted soon to your local Bank of America.

Idaho:

We all know how confusing it can be to go to the voting booth and try and remember which name is the one you intended to vote for. That's apparently what the farmer formerly known as Marvin Richardson was trying to overcome when he had his name changed to Marvin Pro-Life Richardson. Unfortunately, the state, which bars slogans on the ballot, refused to print his new middle name last time. So Marvin returned to court and had his name changed again, this time to, simply, Pro-Life. One name, like Madonna, Cher, or Prince. So the Idaho Board of Elections will have to put "Pro-Life" on the ballot. (Rumor has it that Idaho senator Larry Craig may change his name to "Wide-Stance" if Pro-Life's scheme works.)

New York City:

A prize-winning play is being performed in a public restroom in New York's Central Park. Called Ladies & Gents, it takes place in a bathroom; so rather than try to build a bathroom set on-stage, it seemed reasonable to the play's producers to simply stage it in a bathroom. Fifty patrons can attend the drama at one time (twenty-five in the men's room, twenty-five in the ladies), at $25 a clip. There are no balcony seats, sorry. It seems like an extreme way of defusing theatre critics from complaining that this production is only fit for the toilet; but such is life in the thea-tah. The play, which has been performed in Dublin and various venues in Europe already, has won the International Edinburgh Theatre Festival's FRINGE FIRST AWARD, among others. I assume playwright Paul Walker is flush with pride.

Singapore:

With its birth-rate at an all-time low, Singapore's government has decided to take a pro-active stance and teach its teenagers how to date. Two "teachers" (actually, government officials) explain things like how to flirt, how to understand the deeper meanings of love songs, and how to net a date online. "My teacher said if a guy looks into my eyes for more than five seconds, it could mean that he is attracted to me and I stand a chance," explained 18-year-old student Isabel Seet, who had clearly not yet taken a course in Assertive Femininity. "I think most people who take the course would find it easier to get a girlfriend," Kamel Prakash, another student, was quoted as saying. "But I'm not really looking for a girlfriend now as I want to concentrate on my studies." Since simply being gay in Singapore is still illegal, subject to jail terms of up to two years, we know what Kamel is really doing (besides trying to figure out why his parents saddled him with a name that sounds like a beast of burden).

Crescent City, CA:

Two women are in prison after their botched attempt to steal urine. But it was their pee they were trying to pilfer. It seems they'd taken a urine (drug) test but convinced themselves they couldn't possibly have passed. So they decided to steal the evidence, and flagged down the delivery truck they thought would be carrying the samples. When the driver called the police on his cell phone, the women fled; but his description made it easy to identify them. They were re-arrested and re-tested for drugs, this time with swabs to the inner cheeks. Ironically, although their urine tests ultimately turned out to be clean after all, the second test showed they'd been using crystal meth (presumably just before they got the idea to rob a pee truck). Bonus: One of the women is named Krystal. Her mother must have known.

Minneapolis, MN:

A cabdriver was saved from certain death by his hair gel. Roy Carlson, Jr., had been driving a fifteen-year-old girl who tried to stiff him his $22 fare. He turned around and was heading for a St. Paul police station when "All of a sudden I hear her scream in the background, 'I'm not going to jail!' and she pulled my hair back and started to cut my throat," the cabbie reported. "I had styling cream in my hair, and it slipped out of her hands." See, it really does pay to look one's best!

Deepwater, MO:

Will Ronald Long ever be able to watch his satellite TV without being haunted by memories of his late wife? Probably not, because he accidentally shot her while installing it. Seems he'd been unable to drill a hole through this exterior wall for the satellite cable hookup by any other means, so he got out his trusty .22-calibre pistol and shot one. Unfortunately, his wife happened to be standing in the back yard at the time and took the round in her chest, dying shortly afterward. Now Ron's only consolation (if he isn't jailed for manslaughter) will be the weekly episodes that his satellite dish brings him of Ghost Whisperer (a girl who talks to dead people), Pushing Daisies (a man touches dead people and brings them back to life), and Scariest Places on Earth (families spend the night in historic haunted mansions to annoy dead people).

New Braunfels, TX:

Yes, the state that attempted to educate George W. Bush (in his grade school years) has again made educational news. The principal of the New Braunfels Middle School, John Burks, found an innovative way to encourage his eighth-grade science teachers: By threatening to kill them if the scores on the upcoming Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills tests did not show improvement. To ensure the teachers did not mistake his statement, "I will kill you all and kill myself," for a joke, Burk added, "You don't know how ruthless I can be." Maybe not, but at least he didn't send the teachers to an indefinite tour of duty in Iraq.

So…which news item is the phony? Click below and find out!

Answers to my April Fool's Day Challenge

By: Paul S. Cilwa Posted: 4/2/2008
Topics: #Humor #Blogging Page Views: 2614
The answers to yesterday's quiz.

In yesterday's post, I presented a number of news articles and challenged the reader to guess which paragraph in the post was not true. Here is the answer to that challenge.

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