|By: Paul S. Cilwa||Viewed: 8/18/2019
|Topics/Keywords: #Humor #Autobiography||Page Views: 1987|
|More than you're likely to ever want to know.|
It used to take a few weeks for a fad to sweep the nation. "Sorry about that, Chief!" needed at least three episodes of Get Smart! to air before everyone in the country was repeating it. (My mom was still saying it the day she died.)
But now, thanks to the Internet, a fad can sweep the nation in a day or less. For example, the "25 Random Facts" meme that urges people "tagged" to write down 25 facts about themselves that aren't generally known. I tend to resist these things—I was the last person I know to join Facebook—but since I now know more things about my friends than I ever wanted to, I feel compelled to get even by adding my own 25 facts to the mix.
I don't really "get" the fuss over chocolate. I get a taste for chocolate maybe once or twice a year. When that happens, I buy a Devil Dog or an Eskimo Pie and the need goes away. Now, vanilla is awesome and I love it all year long.
I believe in God but I hate religion. And I think He does, too.
I have never seen more than ten minutes of Jay Leno.
I believe that marriage should be available to everyone but if I could actually get married, legally, I'm not sure I would. Couples who aren't legally married can get two Social Security checks (which each person paid into). Why not just get married in front of friends and family? What the heck business does the government have in anyone's marriage?
I took the time to "opt out" of the spam I was getting, and to train my email program's junk mail filter to catch the rest. So now I get almost no spam, no more than one or two pieces a day.
I used Minoxodil for years, and my hair got thinner. But I only put it on once a day (the directions say twice). Last Christmas I quit altogether, and my hair got really thinner. I didn't notice it in the mirror, but I could see it in photographs. So now I have started using it again, but this time I am definitely doing it twice a day. Except today. I forgot to bring it with me to the gym.
I remember everything except colors. I remember the exact words someone said to me fifty years ago, where I was standing, and what else was going on. But I can't remember the color of the shirt I put on today unless I look at it.
When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered over Chris Evans. Or, if Chris absolutely can't be persuaded, into Grand Canyon.
My sister got my mom a gravestone and it's lovely, and I'm glad she did. But in general, I think burials and gravestones are a waste of time. I know from personal experience that people survive death, but with rare exceptions they don't hang around graveyards. Who would? After I die I intend to hang around Ryan Seacrest's Jacuzzi. I bet there's plenty going on there to keep me interested!
My favorite movie of all time is Mary Poppins. I think it is the perfect film: Not a thing happens in it that doesn't advance the plot. Even the songs contribute. And Julie Andrews was at her radiant peak when she made it.
I thought no one in my high school class liked me. At my twentieth reunion, I learned that most of the kids in my class thought I didn't like them. Apparently, in my fear of being rejected, I was so stand-offish that no one dared come close. I have vowed to never make that mistake again.
Yes, that's why I've blogged my autobiography, even the bad parts.
I was a lifeguard in my teen years. I knew how to rescue a person but was deathly embarrassed by the attention that would attract. So I told people at my beach that it was against county law to go out in the water over their chests. Thus, I only had to rescue three or four people in as many years.
When I was in fifth grade, a boy named Gary Drake decided to fight me (for good reason; I had insulted him). I ran from the fight, and even when he was no longer in my school, I ran every time I saw him afterwards. When he was killed in a car accident a couple years later, I felt that it was somehow my fault for wanting him to go away so very much.
Ironically, he is buried next to my grandfather.
The guy who introduced me to Gary, Tommy Tutten, died decades later, saving a drowning kid…on my birthday.
I hate emails that ask me to pass them on. I appreciate the thought that made someone spend a fraction of a second thinking of me, long enough to click my name on their address list, so they could include me in their angel wishes or puppy pictures or Bill Gates' email test that will send me $1000. I enjoy the wishes and look at the pictures (if I haven't already received them twenty times before), but I'm not going to pass them on any farther.
My favorite hero is Superman. Even though I think he's pretty screwed up, he never stops trying.
My favorite singer is the late Dan Fogelberg. My second favorite is Karen Carpenter. Probably the most annoying part of getting older is realizing that most of your favorite pop stars have died.
The only thing I love more than seeing new places, is then showing them to people I love. But I'd rather show a place I know to someone, than have to fumble through learning it with an audience.
I love my kids and grandkids more than I could ever say. And I love being amazed by them even more! It tickles me no end to read a reference on one of their Facebook pages to a literary figure or moment in history that I had no idea they knew about.
I have sleep apnea and sleep with a CPAP (constant positive airway pressure) machine. I am more rested with it, but it did not reduce my blood pressure or cause me to lose weight, as other friends with sleep apnea experienced. I think the CPAP machine makes me look like the Creature From the Black Lagoon when I'm in bed.
I like to sleep in real dark, with the windows open unless it's truly frigid outside. Sleeping in a tent in an isolated spot is my ideal. As long as I have an air mattress beneath me.
I will spend twenty minutes searching for a calculator or booting up a computer before I will do arithmetic with a pen and paper. I'm pretty good at mathematical concepts, but actually adding or subtracting numbers makes me nauseous.
I tend to think the best of people. I am always surprised when someone behaves badly or makes a poor decision. My astonishment and horror over the actions of the Bush Administration and the blindness of its supporters lasted and increased over the entire eight years. I still get sick when I think of it.